Zombie Command

Here at Zombie Command we like to discuss zombie defence tactics and how to dispose of the undead, but don’t tend to spend enough time praising those crazy cadavers. This little feature should address that: A 3-way face-off between the three most famous zombies of them all: Bub from Day of the Dead, Tarman from Return of the Living Dead, and Jesus from popular tome The Bible.

Bub	Tarman	Jesus

First place receives 3 points, 2 for second and 1 for third. Who will come out on top as the ultimate revenant? Well lets find out.

Being Dead

OK, the first criteria of an ultimate zombie is to ensure that the are actually dead, and not just a crazy-ugly cannibal redneck. How do our three competitors fare in this matter?

Bub – Yup, he’s certainly a goner, although a pretty fresh one. A bit of makeup and he could possibly pass as a human, albeit a slightly retarded one. I’ve been to Blackpool here in the UK and there’s often not much to tell between those people alive and dead.

Tarman – This is a much more clear-cut decision. Tarman has been locked in an airtight barrel for over 20 years and barely has any flesh left on his rotten skeleton. We can be pretty sure he’s a corpse.

Jesus – Well he certainly claimed to have been dead and risen again, and there are some documented sighting of him strung up on a cross, but then who really believes those religious nuts?

Bub	Tarman	Jesus
2	3	1

Brain Eating

[Pic Credit]

There is more to being a zombie than simply rising from the grave. A healthy appetite for human flesh, and in particular the nice juicy brain fits the picture. Do our contenders fancy a nosh on some medulla oblongata?

Bub – He’s pretty tranquil, and far too smart to use his teeth to chomp on some skulls. He’d rather shoot his targets instead. However he is partial to a bucket of flesh every so often, so maybe brains are on his agenda.

Tarman – One word… BRAAAAIIIIINNNS. Another two words: LIIIIIVVVE BRRRAAAAAIIIINNS! Enough said.

Jesus – While there are no recorded details of brains eating, his whereabouts for 40 days after rising from the grave and escaping the tomb are sketchy at best. There are multiple reports that he appeared in front of several individuals and groups of people, but that certainly doesn’t account for 40 days on the run. It may be an assumption, but I believe it to be likely this was his brain-eating period, which was covered up due to bad press.

Bub	Tarman	Jesus
1	3	2

Speed of Movement

Zombies come in many speeds. Well actually only 2: Fast and slow. Everyone has their preferences, but which form will our favourite zombies take?

Bub – Slow and shabby, just as a zombie should be. While this conforms to proper standards it does lead to him being easy to escape from. (Discounting his use of firearms, naturally).

Tarman – Tarman is even more shambly that Bub. He’s particularly dribbly as he slowly climbs the basement stairs in Return of the Living Dead. It’s a fantastically hypnotic sight, but I don’t know about you but I wouldn’t hang around to watch him shuffle after me.

Jesus – Jesus comes across as kind of akin to a hippy. He was never much of a sprinter in his heyday, so it’s unlikely he’s much faster in death. Like a hippy, he can probably move fast if he could be bothered, but rarely does.

Bub	Tarman	Jesus
3	1	2

Limited Lifespan

[Pic Credit]
Zombies never last forever. They rot and fall apart, and although the brain may well keep going the rotting flesh holding them together will cause serious issues with hunting tasty brains.

Bub – Poor old Bub only lasts one film. Fame probably went to his head and he vanished off to Hollywood to feast on celebs. His last appearance was back in 1985, so god knows what state he’s in now.

Tarman – Tarman has twice the lifespan of Bub as he pops up again in ROTLD pt 5, just to piss on his legacy more than anything. That is a pretty frightening idea though. Also, as the legend of Tarman states he originated in the classic Night of the Living Dead, so he’s been around for quite a while already.

Jesus – Taking the points however, is Jesus. For 2000 years this zombie has never shut up about being around forever. An everlasting zombie is a pretty scary thing.

Bub	Tarman	Jesus
1	2	3

Intelligence

Finally we come to intellect. It’s all very well shambling your way along guided by the smell of brains, but sometimes even zombies can manage to drum up a hint of savvy to help track down their prey.

Bub – Bub shows signs of being able to use tools, phones and even firearms. Sure, it takes quite a bit of training to plug into the inert instincts of the creature, but Day of the Dead shows that it is possible.

Tarman – While on paper not much of a thinker, Tarman managed to operate a winch more or less unsupervised. While not exactly loading, aiming and firing a pistol it’s still quite impressive.

Jesus – Doesn’t appear to act much differently after becoming a zombie. All he is apparently able to do is turn up unannounced for some lunch with some people every-so-often. He also seems to do less miracles as a zombie.

Bub	Tarman	Jesus
3	2	1

So some controversial results there, but obviously this was all done scientifically and the results clearly show as follows:

• Bub – ends up scoring 2 golds, 1 silver and 2 bronze. 10 Points to the classic Romero Zombie.
• Tarman – comes in with 2 golds, 2 silvers and only the one bronze. 11 Points to the disgusting Tarman.
• Jesus – had a surprisingly good showing, clocking up 1 gold, 2 silvers and 2 bronzes. 9 points for Mr Christ there.

So there we have it. Tarman from Return of the Living Dead is the ultimate zombie. He looks disgusting, eats live brains and can operate a winch. Let me put it this way: There are world leaders out there who can only manage 2 of those. I rest my case.