Almost all of these mistakes can be applied equally to any horror/alien/demon infestation scenario. But since this is Zombie Command, we will stick with what we all know and love… zombies, the walking dead, the infected. Whatever you want to call them they are what we are about here and the movie industry has over the years made several excellent movies about the inevitable zombie apocalypse.
We, as humans, have been shown the ways to survive and even flourish in a zombie-world, yet there is always the guy/girl that has to go down in the basement to see what that noise was or feels the need to open the damn side door to check if the coast is clear. But I digress. Let us get on with the show and highlight some of the most common mistakes that people make in zombie movies. These are in no particular order, each one will result in the same outcome… people get eaten, or worse, survive and in turn rise themselves. So dim the lights, grab your popcorn, machete, and shotgun, and pray you survive the night.
Thinking that a bitten loved one will remember you
How can I put this nicely. Uncle Charlie doesn’t remember you. He isn’t going to overcome his hunger for warm flesh to embrace you and cry that he is sorry for eating Aunt Jane. He is DEAD. Well, kind of. And he wants to chow on your head, arms, neck or whatever he can get his rotting corpse hands on. Put one in his head, say your good byes and move on. You can cry later.
Facing the dead in hand-to-hand combat
Unless you have no other options, fighting a zombie with your bare hands is a horrible idea. Run. Doing anything is better than locking up with a walker. You will in all probability lose the fight and be bitten or scratched, both of which leads to you becoming what you’ve been fighting and that can only lead to me putting a skylight in your forehead.
Going into the basement/ dark alley/ cemetery because you “think you heard something”
Yes you did hear something dumb-ass and when you go into that dark area alone to “see who’s there”, darkness is all you will know. Listen, I know curiosity killed the cat, but you have to look out for number one. You. Deal with what you can see in front of you. The dead have the advantage of other senses to locate you and if you go check to see if Rick made it back from the garage because he heard something, then you are the second course on the zombie buffet.
Choosing a complicated method to kill the dead
Whichever member of your group thought that using raw meat from slaughtered cattle to lure the hordes of the dead into following you to the outskirts of town and then in to the abandoned power plant just so you can spray them with a fire hose and finally turn the juice on, frying the undead like Jimmy Dean patties, should be flogged. Everybody say it with me, “KISS – Keep It Simple Stupid”. Sure the big showy kills are funny and make for great stories, but when it’s all about surviving just get the job done and move on.
Assuming that it’s all over / Thinking you’ve won
Just because it’s been a few hours or even a few days since you had your last run in with a walker, that doesn’t mean you survived. In all reality it will come to a scenario just like this. As you last longer and survive in the new zombie-filled world you will come to a point when the dead aren’t around every corner. So you will let your guard down and get sloppy. Since we all know what that leads to I won’t even bother to say it… okay, yes I will. You and/or your team/family/group will get attacked and eaten. You will turn into a walker and I will have to put air in your head. Never let your guard down.
Don’t go upstairs!
Now this isn’t like the idea about going into the basement to check out a noise. No, this is based on the fact that if you go upstairs and a zombie is following you, you have now just put yourself in a dead end (no pun intended). This situation can only be made worse if there are multiple ghouls in pursuit of you. But there is hope! An amendment to this mistake is as follows: if you must run up stairs, destroy or make them impassable in your wake. You may still be stuck on the 2nd or higher floor but at least you aren’t in direct danger and you have bought yourself some more time. Sometimes that is the most valuable thing you can have.
Shooting the body not the head
Really?! Have you never seen a zombie movie?! In the realm of Hollywood movies there is always “that guy” that thinks he is the embodiment of Billy the Kid or Rambo or any gun wielding, bullet slinging stereotype. Firstly, you will come to find out that ammo is a very valuable commodity. Secondly, you are making noise which may attract more living dead. Lastly (and the most important thing) YOU AREN’T KILLING THE BASTARDS!! Zombies feel no outward pain and their organs have already shut down. That is to say that they can take on massive amounts of bodily damage and still continue to move, hunt and kill. Head shots are the only thing to try for. Remember this mantra, “One in their head to make sure they stay dead.”
Trying to get laid while on the run from the walking dead
This one is a no brainer; keep it in your pants Casanova! You have much more important things to be concerned with than trying to score and let me just say, this seems to be a mistake geared towards the guys. Women realize there is a better time and place and can control themselves for the most part. I know, I know. I’m such a buzz kill. But then again so is a zombie chewing on your leg while you are ”otherwise engaged”.
Being the macho, hero type and running straight into the middle of the fight.
“I can’t just sit here and do nothing! Let go get those bastards!” This one kind of ties into the “avoid hand to hand combat” idea. If you run off to battle the hordes by yourself you will get too close and you will die. Worse yet you will turn and come back to eat your team. So sitting tight and keeping your cool is priority one. Just remember, a man the fights alone dies alone. Be calm and you will get plenty on opportunities to fight the undead hordes.
When gathering supplies on the run, only take the necessities.
You don’t need a hair dryer, popcorn machine, PSP or anything else that will not help you either kill or survive. Your cell phone may help for a very short period of time but eventually service will be down and your battery will die. Actors never think to grab flashlights and batteries or things like bats and guns. Even water in containers and food that won’t soon spoil, is a better choice than the entire Twilight Saga (actually almost anything is better than the entire Twilight Saga).
Well there you have it and I am sure you can all come up with other mistakes that get to you just as much as they do to me. Hollywood is all about being sexy and cool and flashy. At no point does that equal smart and able to outlive the threat of the zombie apocalypse. So in the end its all about being smart and prepared. And as always, keep your blades sharp, and your ammo dry.