Surviving The Zombie Apocalypse For Soccer Moms

16 Oct

Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse for Soccer Moms

So you like to cruise around in a mini-van and support your child’s every whim. Maybe you gave up your dream of being the next news anchor or surgeon so you could be around little junior constantly, either way, you’re sure as heck going to make sure he has every opportunity to succeed- he’s your main job right now. But unfortunately for little junior, the pampered life you have provided him won’t help so well when zombies attack. You, on the other hand, have some uniquely honed skills that could make even the most neglectful husband clamoring to be near you.

Zombie Trends

This is now the United States of zombieland and it won’t be long before flesh-hungry corpses engulf this big blue planet of ours. It was only a couple of months ago that a deranged cannibal killed off some Miami homeless man by mauling his face. Or in Canada, police are still searching for that gay ex-porn star junkie on a comedown who allegedly killed a fellow with an ice pick, then raped and ate his corpse. Stories like these make a mockery of this whole world, but also expose the truth. I hope we make it alive. I hope we survive.

Preparation Tips

By this point in time, you’re probably a suburban idyll. All the hours spent attending school events, finding Halloween costumes at Buy Costumes website, and making cupcakes makes you ready to outfit an army. You’ll want to make sure to keep all the floral wire, paper mache supplies, and craft blades for creating weapons and diversions. When you go on your weekly grocery trip, stock up on some extra non-perishables. You don’t want to spend precious post-zombie moments hunkering behind collapsible safety guards while the military loots the local grocery store. It also might be time to start allowing little junior to play with toy guns and arrows. You may think you’re protecting him from a violent world, but in the event of a zombie apocalypse, these skills might be the only chance he has fighting off a zombie attack.

How You’ll Fit With a New Society

In the post-zombie apocalyptic world, your skill set can transfer into a number of useful functions. Your ability to weave a large vehicle through hoards of school children will make you an ideal candidate to shuffle resistance to and from outposts. You’ll also get to put those spinning classes to good use, making all those listless gym hours finally worth the small fortune you’ve spent on them. In the postapocalyptic zombie society, your matriarchal nature will also endow you with the skills and panache to organize search and scavenger hunts.

In this society, your helicopter parenting will serve you well. You’ll be able to boss people around while utilizing what today’s world sees as a vastly unprofitable skill set.

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Comments (3)


  1. Icabod Zombie says:

    We are the little zombies,
    Little zombie girls and zombie boys;
    Make your appeals, we’ll not smite you,
    We’re just here to bemuse and bite you.
    Would you like a meaty snack or gory story,
    Will you share our sort of dainty meal?
    At hunting and gouging we’re more than keen;
    No sorrier-looking zombie children could be seen,
    Because we all feast on bloody human gore,
    We’re happy zombie girls and zombie boys!

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