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Ever worry that the zombie apocalypse will begin and you’ll be trapped at the bottom of your garden with nothing but gnomes for company?

Make the most of your shed’s tools and avoid those likely to get you killed with this handy guide.

We, as humans, have been shown the ways to survive and even flourish in a zombie-world, yet there is always the guy/girl that has to go down in the basement to see what that noise was or feels the need to open the damn side door to check if the coast is clear. But I digress. Let us get on with the show and highlight some of the most common mistakes that people make in zombie movies. These are in no particular order, each one will result in the same outcome… people get eaten, or worse, survive and in turn rise themselves. So dim the lights, grab your popcorn, machete, and shotgun, and pray you survive the night.

Thinking that a bitten loved one will remember you
How can I put this nicely. Uncle Charlie doesn’t remember you. He isn’t going to overcome his hunger for warm flesh to embrace you and cry that he is sorry for eating Aunt Jane. He is DEAD. Well, kind of. And he wants to chow on your head, arms, neck or whatever he can get his rotting corpse hands on. Put one in his head, say your good byes and move on. You can cry later.

Facing the dead in hand-to-hand combat
Unless you have no other options, fighting a zombie with your bare hands is a horrible idea. Run. Doing anything is better than locking up with a walker. You will in all probability lose the fight and be bitten or scratched, both of which leads to you becoming what you’ve been fighting and that can only lead to me putting a skylight in your forehead.

Going into the basement/ dark alley/ cemetery because you “think you heard something”
Yes you did hear something dumb-ass and when you go into that dark area alone to “see who’s there”, darkness is all you will know. Listen, I know curiosity killed the cat, but you have to look out for number one. You. Deal with what you can see in front of you. The dead have the advantage of other senses to locate you and if you go check to see if Rick made it back from the garage because he heard something, then you are the second course on the zombie buffet.

Choosing a complicated method to kill the dead
Whichever member of your group thought that using raw meat from slaughtered cattle to lure the hordes of the dead into following you to the outskirts of town and then in to the abandoned power plant just so you can spray them with a fire hose and finally turn the juice on, frying the undead like Jimmy Dean patties, should be flogged. Everybody say it with me, “KISS – Keep It Simple Stupid”. Sure the big showy kills are funny and make for great stories, but when it’s all about surviving just get the job done and move on.

Assuming that it’s all over / Thinking you’ve won
Just because it’s been a few hours or even a few days since you had your last run in with a walker, that doesn’t mean you survived. In all reality it will come to a scenario just like this. As you last longer and survive in the new zombie-filled world you will come to a point when the dead aren’t around every corner. So you will let your guard down and get sloppy. Since we all know what that leads to I won’t even bother to say it… okay, yes I will. You and/or your team/family/group will get attacked and eaten. You will turn into a walker and I will have to put air in your head. Never let your guard down.

Don’t go upstairs!
Now this isn’t like the idea about going into the basement to check out a noise. No, this is based on the fact that if you go upstairs and a zombie is following you, you have now just put yourself in a dead end (no pun intended). This situation can only be made worse if there are multiple ghouls in pursuit of you. But there is hope! An amendment to this mistake is as follows: if you must run up stairs, destroy or make them impassable in your wake. You may still be stuck on the 2nd or higher floor but at least you aren’t in direct danger and you have bought yourself some more time. Sometimes that is the most valuable thing you can have.

Shooting the body not the head
Really?! Have you never seen a zombie movie?! In the realm of Hollywood movies there is always “that guy” that thinks he is the embodiment of Billy the Kid or Rambo or any gun wielding, bullet slinging stereotype. Firstly, you will come to find out that ammo is a very valuable commodity. Secondly, you are making noise which may attract more living dead. Lastly (and the most important thing) YOU AREN’T KILLING THE BASTARDS!! Zombies feel no outward pain and their organs have already shut down. That is to say that they can take on massive amounts of bodily damage and still continue to move, hunt and kill. Head shots are the only thing to try for. Remember this mantra, “One in their head to make sure they stay dead.”

Trying to get laid while on the run from the walking dead
This one is a no brainer; keep it in your pants Casanova! You have much more important things to be concerned with than trying to score and let me just say, this seems to be a mistake geared towards the guys. Women realize there is a better time and place and can control themselves for the most part. I know, I know. I’m such a buzz kill. But then again so is a zombie chewing on your leg while you are ”otherwise engaged”.

Being the macho, hero type and running straight into the middle of the fight.
“I can’t just sit here and do nothing! Let go get those bastards!” This one kind of ties into the “avoid hand to hand combat” idea. If you run off to battle the hordes by yourself you will get too close and you will die. Worse yet you will turn and come back to eat your team. So sitting tight and keeping your cool is priority one. Just remember, a man the fights alone dies alone. Be calm and you will get plenty on opportunities to fight the undead hordes.

When gathering supplies on the run, only take the necessities.
You don’t need a hair dryer, popcorn machine, PSP or anything else that will not help you either kill or survive. Your cell phone may help for a very short period of time but eventually service will be down and your battery will die. Actors never think to grab flashlights and batteries or things like bats and guns. Even water in containers and food that won’t soon spoil, is a better choice than the entire Twilight Saga (actually almost anything is better than the entire Twilight Saga).

Well there you have it and I am sure you can all come up with other mistakes that get to you just as much as they do to me. Hollywood is all about being sexy and cool and flashy. At no point does that equal smart and able to outlive the threat of the zombie apocalypse. So in the end its all about being smart and prepared. And as always, keep your blades sharp, and your ammo dry.

A few weeks back on ZombieCommand you may have seen the fantastic College Humor sketch on Nazi Zombies which addressed some interesting points. Namely: Are Nazi Zombies any scarier than regular zombies? Well, we’ve dug through the DVD archives and put together a top 5 list of some of the best (and indeed worst) the 3rd Reich has to offer in the way of the undead, so you can decide if they really ARE extra-terrifying!

5. Zombies of War

Coming in at number 5, and therefore the worst zombie film on this list is the recent Zombies of War. Apparently the UK distributors decided that this film was much more of a zombie movie than when it was released over in the States, as they changed both the title (it is known as Horrors of War in the U.S.) and also zombified the artwork on the DVD box. (Check out the US versus the UK sleeves! Maybe the UK are just bigger suckers than the US, who knows?

It belongs at the bottom of this list as it is, quite frankly, a shocking movie. A mad Nazi scientist has created a serum to turn people into paranormal creatures, sometimes werewolves, sometimes zombies. However he has only really created one or two of these creatures as that’s all we get treated too.

The rest of the movie just consists of a bunch of chaps in WWII clobber roaming around in some woods for an hour and a half. It comes across as a thourally boring war movie, mixed in with a paranormal werewolf movie, with one or two Nazi Zombies that pop up and take a few bullets a few times along the way.

What we like about it:
Well the cover has some great looking hordes of marching Nazi zombies. Plus the Werewolf makeup (or rather ‘rubber mask’) is quite humorous.

4. Oasis of the Zombies

“Let’s get some bottles to make Molotov Cocktails, like at school!”

Allegedly directed by Jess Franco, Oasis of the Zombies (or ‘La tumba de los muertos vivientes’ as it has also been released, albeit with several different scenes, actors and music) fares slightly better than Zombies of War. There are certainly more zombies in this one for a start, and Jess has opted for the slightly less familiar Afrika Korps Nazi’s to zombify. (Maybe because Korps reads a little bit like Corpse?).

These zombies are much more impressive looking, with some particularly bizarre googly eyes going on too. Sure, they’re not on screen for all that long but considering the film itself looks like it was thrown together from stock war footage and random test shots for other films it’s not too bad overall. And being a Franco movie there is also some nudity thrown in too, if that’s your sort of thing.

What we like about it:
The googly-eyed zombies are fantastic!

3. Dead Snow

Right, into the Top 3, so surely we’re into the realms of the good Nazi zombie cinema? Well perhaps, as Dead Snow is a bit of a puzzler. It seems to be either loved or loathed judging by popular opinions, and that is understandable.

To be a bit subjective here, I felt it was a film of 2 halves, one decent and one very poor. The problem this film has was going for the comedy angle half-way through the movie. It started out as an interesting take on the standard ‘teens in a cabin in the middle of nowhere’, and by setting this film in the daylight and with snow all around the possibilities for a unique enjoyable movie were all there. Even when the expected scares started happening they were actually quite effective. However it was around this point that it changed from trying to scare you into trying to make you laugh, and sadly Norway isn’t known for being a comedy hub. ‘Ooh, a zombie grabbing a crotch! How side-splittingly funny!’

Still, the zombies themselves are easily the most impressive looking Nazi Undead that I’ve ever come across, so it is probably worth watching for that. Just go in expecting it to switch from horror to lame comedy and you’ll be fine.

What we like about it:
The Nazi Zombies are some of the best looking of their type, and the gore isn’t too bad either.

2. Shock waves

In at number 2 is a little known, but really quite enjoyable little movie. Peter ‘Twins of Evil’ Cushing stars as an old Nazi Commander living ‘mostly’ alone on an island, when a group of shipwrecked divers turn up and start investigating / sticking their noses in. Unfortunately for them this is the time when the Nazi Zombies who’ve been living under the sea for several decades decide to rock on up to the surface and partake in a little (sadly bloodless) killing.

The zombies in question are less undead looking than standard Nazi zombies, and appear to be wearing swimming goggles. Although they do not look particularly scary themselves the scenes of them all slowly rising as one out of the water is quite chilling at times. There’s also the bonus of Peter Cushing hamming it up good and proper.

It’s quite an original take on the genre, with some decent ideas going on. It could have done with some more gore though, but then that could be said about a lot of zombie movies.

What we like about it:
The creepy zombies rising up out of the sea should have been a classic scene, if anyone had ever seen this cult film.

1. Zombie Lake

Yes, at number one it’s one of the greatest works of cinema ever created. Nazi Zombies in bright green face paint living at the bottom of a lake who rise from the water to eat the flesh of naked ladies. And numerous naked ladies at that. Including an entire (naked) volleyball team.

Watch as the green zombie makeup rubs off on victims clothes!
Be amazed at the under water ‘lake’ locations that include swimming pool ladders!
Wonder at the bending of time and space where entering a door in daylight turns the next room to nighttime!

Jean Rollin delivers a truly spectacular movie here. It is virtually guaranteed that you will enjoy this movie infinitely more than any other on this list. Sure, you won’t enjoy it for the plot, acting, effects and direction, but enjoy it you will. You will probably feel guilty for liking it so much, as every sense in your body will be laughing at you for it, but you won’t care. Zombie Lake is a work of genius, as any film with a 2 / 10 score on IMDB should be.

What we like about it:
The awe-inspiring zombie effects, and the fantastic music… no of course not. It’s obviously the naked volleyball zombie-attack scene!

Special mentions should probably go to Outpost (although that is more of a Nazi ghost story than a zombie one), and the upcoming 4th Reich (Although we are yet to have seen more than just a website for that one, but it can’t be worse than Zombies of War now, can it?)

For those times when the undead evade the Ultimate Zombie Trap what could be better than a Rocket Propelled Chainsaw?

Not sure where this image originated but it’s doing the rounds again, please let us know if you are the source.

Whilst mostly dubious choices, there are some good look-a-likes in this selection of Actors Who Look Like Resident Evil Characters in this poster from Kotaku reader ‘Bob’.

Why Leon isn’t Leonardo Di Caprio and Sheva is Karen Dyer since they were both based on them I dunno. Still click to see a bigger version and full list. Bonus – It has Bruce Campbell.

Well fear not, the undead will never die! Here at Zombie Command we have compiled an A-Z of zombie movies that are yet to be released, which should (fingers crossed) be hitting our screens in some form or another over the next year.

This is the first multi-part post on ZC so make sure and click through once you get to the bottom of each page.

A.D.

Trailer:

A beautiful animated proof-of-concept piece we first heard about a few months ago.
Good: Gorgeous art style, and the animated zombie genre is in need of some thing new. The last one we remember was ‘City of Rott’.
Bad: Only a taster, no full feature is in the works just yet. But here’s hoping!

Big Tits Zombie 3D

Trailer:

A stripper foolishly reads the Book of the Dead out loud, causing the dead to rise and attack the planet. Konichiwaaaaaaaaaa!
Good: Zombies and Strippers, so it could be as good as Zombie Strippers.
Bad: Zombies and Strippers, so it could be as bad as Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!

Condition Dead 3D

Official Site: Condition Dead
“When the dead rise.. Please leave it to the professionals”

Luther Judge and his team of specialists are the government’s response whenever the dead rise from the grave. But a new assignment finds them contending with a mysterious and lethal zombie menace… and Judge’s ex-wife.

Good: Director Patrick Lussier did a great job on his last 3D movie: My Bloody Valentine 3D
Bad: Everything has gone quiet for the past year or so on this one, so who knows what the chances of a release are.

Devils Playground

Trailer:

A group or survivors hole up in a forest, surrounded by Free Running Zombies.
Good: Everyone loves Parkour, and it should make for a unique zombie movie.
Bad: If you don’t like running zombies, you’ll hate parkour ones. Plus it stars UK’s Danny Dyer.

Eaters

Trailer:

A Mad Scientist attempting to find a cure for zombism is actually using the zombies for his own devious means. (Mwah-ha-ha-haa!)
Good: It’s almost a fact that the best zombie movies come from Italy
Bad: The teaser trailer shows CGI blood, CGI makeup, CGI landscapes, did we mention Uwe Boll was involved?

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The guys at Windowless Van have made a pretty good approximation of what would happen in George A Romero wrote a romantic comedy.

Check out their site for more funnies.

Bub	Tarman	Jesus

First place receives 3 points, 2 for second and 1 for third. Who will come out on top as the ultimate revenant? Well lets find out.

Being Dead

OK, the first criteria of an ultimate zombie is to ensure that the are actually dead, and not just a crazy-ugly cannibal redneck. How do our three competitors fare in this matter?

Bub – Yup, he’s certainly a goner, although a pretty fresh one. A bit of makeup and he could possibly pass as a human, albeit a slightly retarded one. I’ve been to Blackpool here in the UK and there’s often not much to tell between those people alive and dead.

Tarman – This is a much more clear-cut decision. Tarman has been locked in an airtight barrel for over 20 years and barely has any flesh left on his rotten skeleton. We can be pretty sure he’s a corpse.

Jesus – Well he certainly claimed to have been dead and risen again, and there are some documented sighting of him strung up on a cross, but then who really believes those religious nuts?

Bub	Tarman	Jesus
2	3	1

Brain Eating

[Pic Credit]

There is more to being a zombie than simply rising from the grave. A healthy appetite for human flesh, and in particular the nice juicy brain fits the picture. Do our contenders fancy a nosh on some medulla oblongata?

Bub – He’s pretty tranquil, and far too smart to use his teeth to chomp on some skulls. He’d rather shoot his targets instead. However he is partial to a bucket of flesh every so often, so maybe brains are on his agenda.

Tarman – One word… BRAAAAIIIIINNNS. Another two words: LIIIIIVVVE BRRRAAAAAIIIINNS! Enough said.

Jesus – While there are no recorded details of brains eating, his whereabouts for 40 days after rising from the grave and escaping the tomb are sketchy at best. There are multiple reports that he appeared in front of several individuals and groups of people, but that certainly doesn’t account for 40 days on the run. It may be an assumption, but I believe it to be likely this was his brain-eating period, which was covered up due to bad press.

Bub	Tarman	Jesus
1	3	2

Speed of Movement

Zombies come in many speeds. Well actually only 2: Fast and slow. Everyone has their preferences, but which form will our favourite zombies take?

Bub – Slow and shabby, just as a zombie should be. While this conforms to proper standards it does lead to him being easy to escape from. (Discounting his use of firearms, naturally).

Tarman – Tarman is even more shambly that Bub. He’s particularly dribbly as he slowly climbs the basement stairs in Return of the Living Dead. It’s a fantastically hypnotic sight, but I don’t know about you but I wouldn’t hang around to watch him shuffle after me.

Jesus – Jesus comes across as kind of akin to a hippy. He was never much of a sprinter in his heyday, so it’s unlikely he’s much faster in death. Like a hippy, he can probably move fast if he could be bothered, but rarely does.

Bub	Tarman	Jesus
3	1	2

Limited Lifespan

[Pic Credit]
Zombies never last forever. They rot and fall apart, and although the brain may well keep going the rotting flesh holding them together will cause serious issues with hunting tasty brains.

Bub – Poor old Bub only lasts one film. Fame probably went to his head and he vanished off to Hollywood to feast on celebs. His last appearance was back in 1985, so god knows what state he’s in now.

Tarman – Tarman has twice the lifespan of Bub as he pops up again in ROTLD pt 5, just to piss on his legacy more than anything. That is a pretty frightening idea though. Also, as the legend of Tarman states he originated in the classic Night of the Living Dead, so he’s been around for quite a while already.

Jesus – Taking the points however, is Jesus. For 2000 years this zombie has never shut up about being around forever. An everlasting zombie is a pretty scary thing.

Bub	Tarman	Jesus
1	2	3

Intelligence

Finally we come to intellect. It’s all very well shambling your way along guided by the smell of brains, but sometimes even zombies can manage to drum up a hint of savvy to help track down their prey.

Bub – Bub shows signs of being able to use tools, phones and even firearms. Sure, it takes quite a bit of training to plug into the inert instincts of the creature, but Day of the Dead shows that it is possible.

Tarman – While on paper not much of a thinker, Tarman managed to operate a winch more or less unsupervised. While not exactly loading, aiming and firing a pistol it’s still quite impressive.

Jesus – Doesn’t appear to act much differently after becoming a zombie. All he is apparently able to do is turn up unannounced for some lunch with some people every-so-often. He also seems to do less miracles as a zombie.

Bub	Tarman	Jesus
3	2	1

So some controversial results there, but obviously this was all done scientifically and the results clearly show as follows:

• Bub – ends up scoring 2 golds, 1 silver and 2 bronze. 10 Points to the classic Romero Zombie.
• Tarman – comes in with 2 golds, 2 silvers and only the one bronze. 11 Points to the disgusting Tarman.
• Jesus – had a surprisingly good showing, clocking up 1 gold, 2 silvers and 2 bronzes. 9 points for Mr Christ there.

So there we have it. Tarman from Return of the Living Dead is the ultimate zombie. He looks disgusting, eats live brains and can operate a winch. Let me put it this way: There are world leaders out there who can only manage 2 of those. I rest my case.

Popcap put on several dance-offs between plants and zombies at this year’s E3.